When I first started reading the article I initially got angry at your statement ‘men still hold the keys to deciding if and when a couple will marry’. Seemed like the usual - it’s all men’s fault. I realize that may not have been your intent. It must be discouraging for young men to be constantly demeaned or blamed by society today. I think men are worried about marriage because family court is usually very biased against them. Particularly if theirs a false accusation of abuse. They often come out on the losing end with custody & finance.
On a positive note: I was married to a wonderful women for a very long time. Sadly, she died, but we were blessed with a lovely life, children & grandchildren. I applaud your beautiful & realistic description of marriage and your sage advice. It’s spot on!
My parents told me that it’s not about giving 50/50, but about each giving 100%. I think it’s also very important to respect each other. When I was growing up, dads were celebrated for their masculinity & moms for their femininity. Within a very broad range. As you so eloquently expressed, there will be difficult times. However, most things that bring us true, lasting joy are difficult. My advice to young people is to be cautious, wise & thoughtful, but don’t let fear rule your life. Marriage can be one of life’s greatest experiences.
Great article! I agree with pretty much everything, but one detail has caused me a lot of heartache. Marriage is "till death do us part", which is a LONG time! I'm delighted that you and David are doing so well, but my story didn't have the happy ending. After 40 years of marriage, I decided to end mine, for reasons that I consider valid. Note that my ex is a very good, very nice person, but over the years things between us had changed. She was very upset, and one of the things that she quite rightly threw in my face was that I had committed to her for the rest of my life. In this era of 90 year lifespans, that's not realistic. In my opinion commitment is still important, and we need a mechanism for it, but it can't be forever. I will never marry again, and I will recommend against it to people for exactly that reason.
A great read, very honest and realistic . We also just passed our 35th anniversary. Most internet advice ( especially social media) can be ignored completely.. Bless you both!
Fascinating take. Thanks for that. For me, I think the choices of marriage and childrearing (both of which I am currently doing), and younger generations' reluctance, does indeed stem from society's basic inability to abandon the patriarchy. We try to raise strong girls who believe that they are capable and unlimited, and then we throw up a huge roadblock that says, "Oh by the way, you also have to perpetually uplift a societally higher-value partner and children in order to be a complete human. Best of luck to you." Sounds like a big line of BS, on its face. We live in a current world of trying to cosmetically modify the patriarchy to fit the needs of women as a begrudging gesture by those who hold power. As Donna Zuckerberg recently said in a conversation with Lyz Lenz, "Society has no real intention of supporting women."
To tell women that they need to make do with the realities of the variables presented to them is performative. We have been doing that to our own detriment for centuries. To ask men to be more self-aware in a world where they have never had to be is seemingly unbearable for most. And many try their best to do and say the "right" things, but that too, becomes performative, because they cannot truly empathize. It is all lip service until we can actually decide as a society to create equality. Yes, women have to be child bearers. There is absolutely no getting around that fact. But why do we not expect men to take a bigger role in child-loving and -connecting? In the simple transactional parts of parenting? Why do men get a trophy for the basic things that women do every day because it must get done? There is ZERO incentive for men to have true social equity between the genders. The happiness and fulfillment of their partners is not enough incentive, because there is nothing truly at stake if they don't, except maybe divorce.
Even what David did for you after your first child shows a level of male awareness that most women cannot and do not expect from their partners. No wonder you've held on to him. (Maybe David should write a book for men on the topic of true marital equity and women's need for partner-supported autonomy in marriage and motherhood.) I wrote about this phenomenon framed within the gender pay gap on my substack, Bring Out Your Dead, in a slightly different context. I completely understand Millenials and Gen Z's hesitancy to embrace either institution. There is not a realistic scenario that is a true, equitable win for women in either.
When I first started reading the article I initially got angry at your statement ‘men still hold the keys to deciding if and when a couple will marry’. Seemed like the usual - it’s all men’s fault. I realize that may not have been your intent. It must be discouraging for young men to be constantly demeaned or blamed by society today. I think men are worried about marriage because family court is usually very biased against them. Particularly if theirs a false accusation of abuse. They often come out on the losing end with custody & finance.
On a positive note: I was married to a wonderful women for a very long time. Sadly, she died, but we were blessed with a lovely life, children & grandchildren. I applaud your beautiful & realistic description of marriage and your sage advice. It’s spot on!
My parents told me that it’s not about giving 50/50, but about each giving 100%. I think it’s also very important to respect each other. When I was growing up, dads were celebrated for their masculinity & moms for their femininity. Within a very broad range. As you so eloquently expressed, there will be difficult times. However, most things that bring us true, lasting joy are difficult. My advice to young people is to be cautious, wise & thoughtful, but don’t let fear rule your life. Marriage can be one of life’s greatest experiences.
Great article! I agree with pretty much everything, but one detail has caused me a lot of heartache. Marriage is "till death do us part", which is a LONG time! I'm delighted that you and David are doing so well, but my story didn't have the happy ending. After 40 years of marriage, I decided to end mine, for reasons that I consider valid. Note that my ex is a very good, very nice person, but over the years things between us had changed. She was very upset, and one of the things that she quite rightly threw in my face was that I had committed to her for the rest of my life. In this era of 90 year lifespans, that's not realistic. In my opinion commitment is still important, and we need a mechanism for it, but it can't be forever. I will never marry again, and I will recommend against it to people for exactly that reason.
A great read, very honest and realistic . We also just passed our 35th anniversary. Most internet advice ( especially social media) can be ignored completely.. Bless you both!
Fascinating take. Thanks for that. For me, I think the choices of marriage and childrearing (both of which I am currently doing), and younger generations' reluctance, does indeed stem from society's basic inability to abandon the patriarchy. We try to raise strong girls who believe that they are capable and unlimited, and then we throw up a huge roadblock that says, "Oh by the way, you also have to perpetually uplift a societally higher-value partner and children in order to be a complete human. Best of luck to you." Sounds like a big line of BS, on its face. We live in a current world of trying to cosmetically modify the patriarchy to fit the needs of women as a begrudging gesture by those who hold power. As Donna Zuckerberg recently said in a conversation with Lyz Lenz, "Society has no real intention of supporting women."
To tell women that they need to make do with the realities of the variables presented to them is performative. We have been doing that to our own detriment for centuries. To ask men to be more self-aware in a world where they have never had to be is seemingly unbearable for most. And many try their best to do and say the "right" things, but that too, becomes performative, because they cannot truly empathize. It is all lip service until we can actually decide as a society to create equality. Yes, women have to be child bearers. There is absolutely no getting around that fact. But why do we not expect men to take a bigger role in child-loving and -connecting? In the simple transactional parts of parenting? Why do men get a trophy for the basic things that women do every day because it must get done? There is ZERO incentive for men to have true social equity between the genders. The happiness and fulfillment of their partners is not enough incentive, because there is nothing truly at stake if they don't, except maybe divorce.
Even what David did for you after your first child shows a level of male awareness that most women cannot and do not expect from their partners. No wonder you've held on to him. (Maybe David should write a book for men on the topic of true marital equity and women's need for partner-supported autonomy in marriage and motherhood.) I wrote about this phenomenon framed within the gender pay gap on my substack, Bring Out Your Dead, in a slightly different context. I completely understand Millenials and Gen Z's hesitancy to embrace either institution. There is not a realistic scenario that is a true, equitable win for women in either.