How to Throw an Awesome Holiday Party

These days many people shy away from entertaining, especially a crowd. This is a shame.

December 2023

Editor’s note: A version of this column originally appeared in the Huffington Post (2015), where I was a contributor for many years. I’ve updated it for the post-Covid era! ~DC

THESE DAYS MANY people shy away from entertaining, especially a crowd. This is a shame. Even before the pandemic got people out of the habit of hosting, traditional holiday parties for most people had become largely BYOB-wine-and-cheese-in-the-kitchen affairs. Or they were held at the office, which was no fun for anyone. Yet maybe now more than ever, when the world is aching for good cheer, the Chrismukkah holiday season provides a wonderful excuse to bring together friends.

My family's thrown an annual holiday party for nearly two decades. I can't quite remember how it started, except that it was once small. Now as many as 200 people will pass through our front hallway -- and half as many will pass out in our front hallway. Because we're Jewish, the holiday theme is "Hanukkah" -- but our guest list is not limited to those lighting menorahs. I'd like to pretend to you that our yearly festivities are truly elegant affairs, like a Jewish version of the opening of the Nutcracker. The truth is, each year's party seems more raucous than the last. We've had at least two guests catch on fire (more on that in a moment). The police arrive like clockwork at midnight to shut things down (and again an hour later, and an hour after that). One year a couple made use of our dining room table in, uh, a way it was not intended to be used.

By the time the last guests stagger out, usually around two a.m (often forcibly, with their coats being wrapped around their shoulders by my tired husband and ushered in the direction of their Ubers), they'll unfailingly slur, "That wash the besht party ..."

The idea of hosting such a party probably sounds nightmarish to most of you -- a sure way to wreck your house and raise your homeowner's insurance. And yet when I wake up woozily the next day to survey the carnage, it's never too bad -- and always worth the night before.

I’ve come up with a few tips on how to throw a successful party. The good news is that it doesn't matter whether your home is big or small. You don’t have to go to huge expense. At this time of year everyone is — or wants to be — in a festive mood. Follow these pointers and you will even be able to enjoy the experience rather than stressing out.

WHEN YOU FIRST start thinking of whom you'd like to invite, don't get hung up on "groups." Many potential party givers fear that their "artistic" friends might not mix so well with their work colleagues, or so-and-so can't be in the same room as so-and-so. The gift of a large party is the fact that it's large. You'll be surprised at how many people enjoy meeting types they are NOT used to hanging out with -- and the unexpected friendships that result. Most feuding grown-ups can avoid each other in a big setting (although of course use your judgment. We once made the mistake of inviting two feisty guests who were, very publicly, on the opposite sides of the political spectrum. A loud fight ensued and people walked out. As my husband remarked afterwards, "I guess we tried to broaden the coalition too far." Still, it was memorable.)

For this type of mixed-group party, the most important duty of the host(s) is to perform introductions: figure out mutual points of interests between the guests and don’t be afraid to march them over to one another. “Bob! You’ll enjoy meeting Fred! We were just discussing that new [insert movie, play, book, current event] that I remember you had something brilliant to say about…” The connection can be specious — anything, really — just something to get the conversational ball rolling. If you see someone standing awkwardly by themselves, introduce that person to a clutch of guests already in lively discussion. “Everyone, this is Sally …” They will be absorbed immediately.

If this sounds like too much work as a host, it’s very short-lived: Think of it as an investment you make at the beginning of the party that will have immediate and lasting benefits. Once things get going, people will find each other and make connections on their own.

Also: Don't hesitate to mix-up age groups -- especially at a holiday party. It's a natural occasion to celebrate with multiple generations. Our now-adult children have always invited some of their friends, even when they were back in middle school. The youthful energy definitely livens up the atmosphere, and the intergenerational mix produces interesting conversations and connections. The other benefit is that everyone in the family becomes a participating host of the party, so it's not you alone being stuck making sure everyone is having a good time.

DITTO ANY FRAGILE antique furniture or cherished (especially white!!) rugs -- otherwise you’ll be putting yourself in the position of policing every stray elbow and sloshed drink. If you can afford to, rent all the glassware and cocktail plates so if a piece gets broken you don't care. Disposables work, too, and today there are many elegant eco-friendly options. Party proof your powder room by stocking it with lots of extra rolls of toilet paper, and use festive paper napkins instead of towels, which are more sanitary and don't get soggy and gross. Plan to light a scented candle in there. Then think carefully about where people are most likely to gather -- or rather, where you would most LIKE them to gather, and make those areas enticing. (See "creating a party atmosphere," below.) We have an outdoor patio that, while freezing at this time of year, is also indestructible. We put out heat lamps, light a blazing fire pit, and strew the outdoor furniture with old blankets. Add a self-serve shots bar and after a few vodkas, no one is feeling the cold.

(First guest-on-fire story: One year a friend of ours brought a date whose hair was styled in what I guess you'd call a very tall, fake weave. At one point the woman stood a little too close to a heat lamp and, unbeknownst to her, her hair began to smoke. An alert waiter immediately doused her head with a pitcher of cold water, saving the woman's life but ruining the weave.)

YOU SENSE THIS the minute you walk in the door. The lights are shining brightly, with all the nuance of a WalMart. Most of the noise is emanating from the kitchen where you find everyone awkwardly gathered amidst a chaos of disorganization. The host or hostess is frantically doing last minute things rather than being able to focus on the party or their guests. Small children in bathrobes are complaining loudly about having to go to bed. Your eyes scan the room, wondering who you know or where you can get a drink. And it goes down from there.

Contrast this to walking into a house where the lighting is low, candles are everywhere, holiday jazz or a mood-inducing soundtrack is playing, a tray of drinks is at the ready, and the hosts are at ease introducing everyone to each other. Guests appreciate, and notice, when you've gone to some effort to create a welcoming and fun atmosphere. They respond to it by making it a fun party. It helps, too, if you’ve encouraged people to dress up — even just a little bit. Putting on your best clothes encourages you to put on your best self; and some sparkle adds excitement, drama, and frisson to the overall vibe.

As mentioned in #2, take time to create different gathering areas -- even if you are only working with a small space. Set out the aforementioned shots or Scotch tasting bar in one corner; even a floor pillow seating area in another. If room allows, carve out a dancing space (and be prepared to start the dancing yourself). The goal is to get your guests flowing through your home by spreading out treats, as it were, so they don't collect massively in one spot, such as around a kitchen island.

IT’S WAY EASIER and more economical to skip trying to feed a crowd an actual meal. Just decide whether you are hosting a cocktail party (usually 5-7 p.m. or 6-8 p.m., before dinner) or a dessert party (8 or 9 p.m. onwards, after dinner). We always choose the latter for two reasons: First, we prefer the later start, which allows more time to get ready; second, it relieves you of the obligation to provide a quasi-supper to starving guests who might otherwise start chewing on your dining table. They arrive fed and ready to party. Fortunately Hanukkah -- with its emphasis on chocolates, donuts, and cakes -- lends itself perfectly to a dessert party theme. Create a buffet in your dining room or kitchen. Pile it high with all kinds of store-bought desserts, sweets, and fruits -- and let people help themselves. Ditto with the bar: have at least one countertop or table well-stocked with glassware and the liquor and wine you're serving -- and add to it any bottles the guests bring with them. If you're hiring help, keep their focus on passing and refilling drinks, and collecting empty glasses. Depending on the size of your party, definitely hire a bartender or two. A good bartender is worth his weight in gelt.

HAVE EVERYTHING READY at least half an hour before you expect the first guest. Get dressed extra early. Light the candles. Check the food and bar. Choose the music. Pour yourself a glass of wine, settle yourself on the sofa, and admire your work. Remember to breathe.

OKAY SO IT doesn't have to be blue. But because it's Hanukkah, we've always tried to come up with some sort of signature blue cocktail that we call a Maccabee Martini (even if none of the ingredients amount to a martini). The only way you can make a blue drink, aside from food coloring, is to add Curacao. After experimenting with our first cocktail, we discovered that Curacao was more relevant to the holiday than we knew. The Caribbean island of Curacao -- where its namesake liqueur is produced -- has a rich Jewish history. Sephardic Jews began landing there in the mid-17th century, when the Dutch conquered the island from the Spanish; Ashkenazy Jews followed after WWII. It maintains the oldest surviving synagogue in the Americas (still in use) -- and it was a Jewish family by the name of Senior that invented the citrus-based Curacao liqueur.

Admittedly, Curacao is not a liqueur that mixes easily with other alcohols. For several years we struggled to come up with a good cocktail. Our first tries were pretty disgusting. Even a professional bartender couldn't do much with it. Still, a tray of bright blue martini glasses would be passed at every party along with the wine and champagne. Strangely, most hands went for the blue drink. Indeed the demand grew so high that we began making pitchers of it in advance. Then one year we decided not to serve the blue drink -- we couldn't quite believe anyone found it really palatable. Disappointment was immediately evident. As guests arrived we heard, over and over, "Hey where is the blue drink?" The next day, I realized, that while the party had gone fine, it hadn't taken off as quickly as others -- nor did it ever achieve the legendary moments of previous ones (I'm getting to the second guest-on-fire story). The fault lay in the absence of the blue drink. So the next year it was back — and so were the memorable incidents. Another guest caught on fire (by standing too close to a low-lying candle. The tails on his blazer went up). Cops rang the bell. (Witnesses allege that I told the officers that my husband had leapt out the back window at the first ring and invited them in for a drink.) And then there was that couple on the dining room table…

So my advice is, even if you do nothing else, serve a special cocktail and your party will be a hit.

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As a recent arrival to the city myself - my husband David and I settled in Washington in 1996 - I seized upon Quinn’s book avidly. Some of its advice I follow to this day, including that when hosting a dinner party, you should light as many candles as would illuminate a good-sized cathedral. 

What I did not know in 1998 was that Quinn’s book also marked the end of a chapter in the cultural history of Washington. Social life continues, it always does, but the particular form of social life perfected by Quinn was dying even as she typed her book. In Quinn’s day, Georgetown still was the Washington social center, and the famous and notorious “Georgetown cocktail party” still a real and important fact of life. Cabinet secretaries, Members of Congress, important journalists - even the occasional vice president - would mingle to drink hard and talk freely, all under the auspices of a woman who specialized in organizing such events. 

David and I glimpsed the very end of this era. David was working in the George W. Bush White House as a speechwriter. That position scored us some invitations we might not otherwise have qualified for — yet provided many opportunities for people to buttonhole David and instruct him on what the president should say. (“As a matter of fact, I have a some draft remarks right here with me …”) One such invitation was to attend a Georgetown cocktail party held by a famous, and by then elderly, hostess in her elegant, white-carpeted townhouse. It was filled with “Former Somebodies” of a certain age, now working as lobbyists and lawyers. We recognized no one and milled about awkwardly until we spied our friend Christopher Hitchens across the living room. Hitchens was then regarded as something of an outlaw in polite D.C. society. He and his wife Carol looked as uncomfortable as we were. With relief, we all took refuge together in some upholstered wing chairs by a fireplace. Christopher, as was his custom, lit up a cigarette (this would not be considered as shocking then as it is now). As we chatted and Christopher (carefully) tapped the ashes into the sooty hearth, the hostess herself came up and sharply rebuked him for smoking in her house. Then she summarily ordered him to take his drink and cigarette outside. Christopher — brave, unflappable Christopher! — appeared genuinely embarrassed. Whatever his reputation was for outspokenness he always acted with impeccable manners. We all left shortly afterwards, never to be asked back.

What killed the Georgetown party? Partisanship, in the first place. The intensifying rancor between Republicans and Democrats split a once unified social world into mutually suspicious camps. Sobriety, in the second place. Alcohol flowed like Niagara Falls in those days - and without it, the naughtiness and scandal of the parties Quinn describes has ebbed into dull decorum. The demands of campaign fundraising have not helped: members of Congress no longer have time for events where they do not collect contributions from the attendees. Expanded opportunities have offered Washington women direct access to the kind of power they once could only entertain. 

I don’t want to suggest that the old era was better. But Quinn’s book certainly makes it seem like more fun.

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WORLD EXCLUSIVE: The following is transcribed from a phone conversation we held with Mrs. Claus just before this newsletter went to press. Her cellular reception was surprisingly good for the North Pole. She spoke with a faint Dutch accent.

Femsplainers: Thank you for making the time to talk to us, Mrs. Claus. We know how stressful the holiday season must be for you.

Mrs. Claus: [chuckle] It’s fine, dear. Everything is under control.

FS: Where are we finding you right now? In the Claus kitchen, making gingerbread cookies?

MC: Heavens no! I’m in the warehouse reviewing inventory.

FS: Warehouse? We thought the toys were made by elves in a work shop?

MC: Maybe a century ago! There’s some two billion children in the world now and the elves couldn’t possibly manage to make so many toys. Plus, kids today don’t want handmade wooden train sets or rag dolls with button eyes. They want the latest video games, iPads, Lego sets, and, well, plastic, plastic, plastic. Thanks to the Barbie movie — which I loved by the way — demand for Barbies has gone through the roof. I warned Mr. Claus right after we left the theater: we better make sure we pre-order enough Barbie merchandise.

FS: So, wait, where do the toys come from?

MC: China, mostly. But we order the bulk of our toys wholesale through the manufacturers. Then we store them in the warehouse until they get distributed on Christmas Eve.

FS: That sounds like a huge operation!

MC: It is, my dear.

FS: What about Santa’s list? Is it still written upon an enormously long, curling piece of parchment paper that he has to check twice?

MC: [Chuckles again] Hollywood would have you believe so. The truth is, we upgraded to computers decades ago. Then that nice Mr. Bezos visited us — I want to say in 2018, or maybe 20? — and helped us overhaul the way we did everything. Now, just like Amazon, a child anywhere in the world can ping us online and say, “I want a Playmobil 1.2.3 Mickey's & Minnie's Cloud Home” or a “Polly Pocket Pineapple Purse Play Set” and the elves can pull it immediately from the shelves.

FS: Jeff Bezos visited you?!

MC: He did. In fact he was so was impressed by our operation that he offered to buy us out.

FS: Seriously? What did you say?

MC: Oh, we thought about it! Don’t think we weren’t tempted by the prospect of retiring and spending winters in the South Pole. Mr. Claus and I have been at this job for nearly two hundred years! But in the end we didn’t feel our brands aligned. The children would be devastated by the prospect of Christmas without Santa — and we didn’t think Mr. Bezos could fulfill the role. He was very insistent that he could work with his trainer to go up and down chimneys but — let’s be honest — there’s no way that new fiancee of his will allow him to gain weight. Children won’t accept a buff Santa.

FS: Speaking of fat and jolly, what is Santa’s regimen leading up to the big night?

MC: He’s napping right now.

FS: Does he have some sort of chimney course that he practices on? Does he do dry runs in the sleigh?

MC: Heavens, no. These days Mr. Claus mostly eats and sleeps.

FS: So how will he be prepared to hit hundreds of millions of roof tops on Christmas Eve?

MC: Well as I said, he’s been doing this for a long time, and … [long pause]

FS: Hello? Are you there Mrs. Claus?

MC: [lowers her voice] I’m not sure I should tell you this.

FS: Tell us what?

MC: [sighs] I suppose it will get out eventually.

FS: Mrs. Claus, you can always trust the Femsplainers.

MC: So, when Mr. Bezos was here, he asked us if we would be willing to participate in a pilot program using drone delivery…

FS: Are you saying the toys are now delivered by drones?!

MC: Not every toy! But — yes. A great number. Ok, almost all of them. How do you think we get gifts to children who don’t have chimneys? Drones can service whole apartment blocks! Last year we did all of Manhattan in under 15 minutes!! A personal best for us.

FS: That’s incredible! What a technological achievement! But then — what do Santa and the flying reindeer do on Christmas Eve?

MC: They still fly around a bit, enough to get picked up by the NASA tracker and cause sightings here and there. Mr. Claus will still do the occasional roof landing and chimney thing, especially if there’s some cookies and milk waiting at the bottom. I tell him, “You sure love your cookies and milk!”

But my dear, I really must go. The elves are calling me. We seem to have a shortage of Furbys. Who ever thought Furbys would come back? Apparently they can dance now.

FS: We have one more question —

[Suddenly there’s a lot of noise and kerfuffle in the background. Squeaky voices start yelling…]

MS: So sorry…

FS: Please, just one more thing, Mrs. Claus! Can we get your first name? We can’t find it anywhere…

Mrs. Claus has hung up.

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Have a wonderful holiday everyone. Wishing you all a very happy and healthy New Year. As always, I’m so grateful to have you as subscribers. If you enjoy this newsletter, please post and share.